I have always been a sucker for birth stories. Even before having kids of my own. And especially when I became pregnant. I saw it as a way to prepare for birth: absorbing stories from all mothers who were willing to share. It gave me an idea of different experiences and outcomes. Here’s the story of my first:
April 2020.
The first time you experience pregnancy as you approach labor and delivery day it is so surreal. You are about to physically bring a human into the world that you created with your partner. HOW COOL?! and HOW SCARY. The flood of hormones and emotions is indescribable. You have been awaiting the day to meet this precious little being you have grown with your own body for the better part of a year but there is also a lingering fear to what may come. You have never experienced anything like this before and the excitement is unsurpassable yet you are dreading it because you have no idea what to expect. What do contractions feel like? Will my baby come safely and be healthy? Will I have time for an epidural? Do I even want the epidural? How long will labor take? What does it feel like if your water breaks? What is a mucus plug? Will I have an unplanned c-section? So many questions; and you won’t know until the day comes.
It was a Monday, the day before labor day. I had my 39 week appointment. I was 39+1. With me being a healthcare worker and the uncertainty of the pandemic as due date approached, I had been off work since 38 weeks. I had the chance to take it easy and rest since up until she decided to come; which was so very nice and also so very unexpected. Granted, I was worried about the sudden change the pandemic brought to our perceived experience as first time parents (this is a whole other topic) but we felt lucky in a way to have time slow down for us in these moments. I did have a fear that Steve may not be in the delivery room with me or that I, myself, would get sick and they would quarantine my baby away from me; so the anxiety brought on by the pandemic as a first time mom was a really crappy feeling.
At this appointment, I was told that there was no dilation, I was 50% effaced, and her head was “engaged”. I am a firm believer that most babies will come when they are ready. So, against my intuition and with a lot of push back from me to extend as long as possible, an induction was scheduled 5 days after her due date (40+5 — this is reasonable I know but it wasn’t what I had intended). I was SUPER bummed. I was in an emotional knot. I cried the whole way home knowing an induction was scheduled in almost 1.5 weeks. I was so very much in my head about it all that I was in a hormonal turmoil.
The next day, Tuesday morning I woke up three times between 2:47am and 7:28am with what I thought was cramping but I was easily able to go back to sleep. What truly woke me at 7:28am was a trickling feeling; like I was peeing myself or my period was coming on but I was laying horizontal in bed… a text book sign. I stood up, and my water had definitely broke as I waddled to the bathroom. I then had also lost my mucus plug and had bloody show. (I recommend getting a chuck pad to sleep on as your due date approaches and you can also use this in the car to sit on for the ride to the hospital if you choose a hospital delivery.)
I told my peacefully resting husband that it was go time, and he was in disbelief. He shot up out of bed and started running around the house in a nervous fury. He started packing his things and kindly obliged to making me a breakfast burrito. While he was moving around getting things together, I stripped the sheets and started the laundry, put fresh sheets on the bed and decided to take a shower. I then called the OB exchange line at 8:30am since the office had not opened yet. The on call nurse said they would call me back; and I waited about an hour or so before my OB finally called saying she had been trying to reach me and must have had the wrong number! She told me to definitely come in and get checked out; which was my plan anyway. I wasn’t in a hurry to hear from her because I wanted to labor in the comfort of my home as long as possible. In my perfect fairy tale land of laboring, I had planned to distract myself by making brownies at home that I could enjoy postpartum. This baby was making moves though; and she was making moves quick. My contractions did not start until about an hour or so after my water broke. I was told if your water breaks the contractions come on a bit more painful due to the cushion of the water bag not being intact to help alleviate it. Let me tell you by 9:00am when I wanted to eat my breakfast, I was certainly feeling those contractions. They felt like glorified period cramps that came in waves. When they came on it was sometimes breathtaking making you want to move and keel over at the same time, but when they stopped it was like all was normal in the world again. I tried to eat but I couldn’t stomach more than a few bites. We left shortly after 9:45am to make the drive to the hospital; a bit over 2 hours after my water had broke.
We are making the 30 minute drive into the hospital and I vividly remember being on the service road and feeling VERY uncomfortable not being able to walk through contractions as I was strapped to the seat of a car. It was then that Steve said he really needed to use the bathroom. I am experiencing contractions ever 2-3 minutes at this point. He is kind of panicky saying how badly he has to go to the bathroom. Number 2. Poop. He may have even been sweating. He said he may have to pullover so he can go. I was at his mercy being a passenger and I remember thinking “the hell he is going to pull this dang car over”. Honestly I’m not sure what I said. I am cracking up just imagining the freaking look I gave him; which was a resounding heck no. The rest of the ride was kind of a blur. Don’t worry. He didn’t pullover. When we got to the hospital, the moment I was placed into a triage room, he bolts for a bathroom before he even knows for certain what is going on with me and baby girl. Men and their morning poops.
I’m in triage, and it’s shortly after 10am. They confirmed my water did break and that I am 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. They moved me to another room that was not the delivery room (sort of an in-between room) and tried getting an IV started. This possibly was the worst part about the whole experience. They attempted possibly 6 different times, 3 different staff members to get an IV placed in my hand, forearm and finally placing it in the anterior elbow. It was awful. I was about to wave the white flag to the IV but knew I needed fluids and was starting to feel too nauseated to drink fluids myself.
I was finally moved to the delivery room at 11:15am and within a hour I was 5cm dilated with contractions every 1-2min. The contractions weren’t horrible, but also didn’t give me a chance to relax with how quick they came on. They were tolerable for sure but they made me want to move around. I wasn’t yelling or groaning or anything like that. I did often say “I feel like I’m going to throw up”. There was no way I could lay down. My birth plan was to labor as long as I could with possibly going for an unmedicated birth if it felt right. I didn’t do the mental prep prior for an unmedicated birth however, so when I started throwing up and was so shaky I decided to go ahead and get the epidural. I was uncontrollably shaking before, during and after epidural; due to hormone surges I assume.
At 12:15pm the epidural was placed. I had a lot of reservations with the epidural to begin with and pretty radical thoughts on it but it went really smoothly. I sat at the edge of the bed and leaned forward with my husband supporting me in front per their instructions. They inserted the epidural during contractions, and it was a breeze. Later on — during the laboring of my second– I found out that I had the epidural AND a spinal block for this labor. Why I was given both is a mystery; especially since I was contemplating an unmedicated birth. I could move my legs which were very uncontrolled and flimsy. My legs also felt warm and tingly; I could only feel some pressure and temperature. I couldn’t feel contractions coming on and thus I couldn’t feel when to push at all. This was frustrating to me because the nurse had to tell me when I was having a contraction and when to push instead of my body guiding the experience. The lack of self feedback from my body to make it more successful was less than ideal; I did not like that. The nurse was fantastic in providing verbal cueing since it was so hard to tell what was physically going on. I wish I could have felt something. Within another hour after the epidural, I went from 5cm dilated and 100% effaced to 10cm dilated. At 2pm when they checked, I was 10cm. They instructed me to start pushing.
I did as I was told; I trusted the process and gave up trust in myself in a way. I gave 3 effortful pushes per contraction per the nurses instruction. I did this for 90 minutes. 1.5 hours. I remember asking, “Am I doing this right?” since there was such a lack of connection physically to the process. The only part I felt was the pressure of her head. She was only part way out before the contraction ended and I couldn’t push her out the rest of the way until the next contraction began which felt like an eternity. It was instant relief when she came. The on call doctor who was there to deliver our baby said, “Grab her, Mom!” and I was able to pull her out from between my legs when she was born. Which was AMAZING!
At 3:26pm time stood still. We all cried tears joyfully. She was perfect. We soaked in the golden hour for one hour with skin to skin snuggling and basking in the human we created mixed in with attempted nursing.
I was on the labor and delivery floor for a total of 4 hours before she came! I progressed so quick I didn’t have time to use the things in the hospital like I planned like the shower or tub, ball to sit on or lean over, squat bar, or walking hallways. I hated when people touched me in the short time I had before I got the epidural. This surprised me as I thought I’d want counterpressure on my back. I was like an animal in the wild; I wanted to be on my own.
One of my main regrets on this experience looking back is not sticking to what felt right for me. I feel like I pushed for 1.5 hours because it was so coached and not as intuitive. I regret pushing in a supine position, on my back and wish I would have tried alternative positions even with the epidural in place. My second delivery experience felt so much better and cohesive to what I wanted out of it.
For me, I viewed and experienced pregnancy, even at its worst times as an amazing gift and I took that mantra into the labor and delivery. The mindset I held made a world of a difference in keeping me calm and focused. I knew I was in a safe place if something were to go wrong and needed swift medical attention to ensure my baby would come safely, and I felt peace in that. Life is truly a miracle. We are blessed.