Disclaimer: The views expressed here and so forth within this blog are made in my personal capacity. This information is for education and experience sharing only and should not be construed as personal medical advice. It is also not a substitute for individual medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always talk with your healthcare provider with any questions you have regarding your health.
I have never been so tearful as I was in the 2 days leading up to the start of this cycle. Everything set me off. I was not in a good place. Steve didn’t know how to support me, but I could tell he was worried. What’s even worse, I could feel the weight of secondary infertility changing me and affecting my relationships and motherhood. I am usually pretty good at emotional regulation and not letting things weigh me down with an optimistic hope for the future. Not this time. We had moved our daughter to a big girl bed back in October, thus moving her crib out of her room. We moved it into the extra bedroom right next door, which was the anticipated future baby room. At the time 6 months ago, I thought it wouldn’t be broken down leaning against the wall in there long before we would be putting it up expecting another baby. That room also collected other baby items, such as clothes and toys our oldest had now grown out of. Now it being March, I hated passing that room, and I did so multiple times a day. It gutted me, especially early in the cycle when emotions were high knowing we would be adding another month of trying to conceive to the tally. Sure, I could have moved the crib to more permanent storage, but then I felt like that would be sealing off all hope for the future. Like I was closing a chapter that I wasn’t ready to end. So I continued to pain myself and just kept the door shut. I am such a planner. I always think ahead and try to anticipate what may come next. When we were expecting our first, I put certain things on the registry that could be used for when we were ready for another baby. Such as a dual camera monitor. Or that I registered for a convertible car seat AND the infant car seat and base because I knew “time would fly” and “before we knew it” we would need accommodations for both a baby and toddler. These things that now clutter our home were reminders of what we dreamed of and how our plan for our family hasn’t gone as anticipated. The concept of the “age gap” lingered and pestered me loudly in my mind at unexpected moments and often. For more perspective of how my headspace was this month: I honestly don’t remember when I had started doing this, but I treat myself to a once a month Cycle Day 1 coffee shop drink (like a latte – I call it my frufru drink). It gives me something to look forward to when the cycle starts. Well. This month, I was so frustrated. I cried the entire way to the coffee shop. And, still, I bought one. And it was truly unsatisfying. I didn’t want my frufru pick-me-up. I wanted a baby.
What I did this month:
-I continued to drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea each morning until ovulation. I like the loose leaves and use this tea kettle.
-I continued taking an evening primrose supplement until ovulation as well.
-I continued taking CoQ10 until ovulation.
-I continued taking vitamin D, vitamin E , and zinc
-I continued my fertility smoothie — maca root powder and cod liver oil into my seed cycle smoothie. See the last post for a little blurb on seed cycling.
-I took bromelain supplement (instead of eating pineapple or drinking pineapple juice) after positive OPK at home for a few days
-I started whole 30 on Cycle Day 2 to decrease inflammation and remove any possible food sensitivities
-I continued fertility focused acupuncture (once during follicular and once during luteal)
-Steve continued with what he had going on last cycle: vitamin D, a male multivitamin advertised for fertility, ashwagandha tea, and CoQ10.
I was prescribed to continue Letrozole 5mg, Cycle Day 3 through 7. I couldn’t get in for a baseline ultrasound due to scheduling conflicts.
Early in the cycle, I counted out days to when I might ovulate based on the last two cycles. I knew I wasn’t in good head space and after counting it out I was even more upset. Steve travels for work. He is to be gone 4 days leading up to predicted ovulation returning late at night on a Friday (which would be cycle day 14). Then the weekend, Saturday Cycle Day 15, my OB office is closed. Last month on Letrozole I ovulated on day 14. The month before on Clomid, I ovulated on day 15. I started to feel like this cycle was another wash. I was losing hope and was stuck in thought that there was no way we can do an IUI with this timing.
CYCLE DAY 12 : FOLLICULAR SCAN
There is an additional juggling factor with secondary infertility: childcare. Coordinating last minute childcare is always tough. Sure, she could have came to the appointments with us, but most of the time these appointments were overwhelming with all new information to process, intense on the emotions, and pretty personal (hello Wanda, iykyk). I am grateful my mom was always there for us, so we could make it to these appointments.
Through the tough time navigating my down feelings at the start of this cycle, Steve managed to pull off some GREAT NEWS. He lands at 4p tomorrow! He moved up his flight from landing at 10p in hopes we could make it in time for a last minute IUI.
For my follicular ultrasound scan, my endometrial lining is 12mm. This is REALLY good! For comparison, last month on same dosage of Letrozole was 10.9 – which is also good! Excitement starts to creep in!! I have 2 dominant follicles! One on right 3.6 and one on left 2.8. So, the one on the right is HUGE. Big enough that it possibly lingered from last time, aka possibly a cyst. Of course this month I didn’t do a baseline ultrasound to see if it was one that lingered; they didn’t have openings in the schedule. And just like that my excitement is matched with conflicting feelings on the follicle size (though I was pumped about there only being 2).
After discussing what we saw with the doctor and timing, because of Steve’s travels, she wants me to trigger tomorrow evening (cycle day 13) UNLESS I already ovulated on my own then I’ll have to save the trigger shot for next cycle. I typically ovulate day 14/15. With the follicle being that big there is a chance I will ovulate before I can trigger to force an ovulation for timed intercourse and Steve will be out of town. So, while it looks promising physiologically, we are missing the other half of the equation.
We discussed the plan for next cycle and she really wants us to trigger and IUI with same protocol on meds.
CYCLE DAY 13: 7:45pm
I watched countless videos on how to administer the Ovidrel shot and ultimately my friend who was going through IVF was the biggest help for me with it. I had to do it myself since Steve was still gone and injecting yourself is such a strange thing. You mentally pump yourself up to do it and then your body, like your arm and hand, naturally doesn’t want to follow through with it. I don’t remember how to do it much besides pinching the belly fat and inserting beveled side up.
After I ovulate, the doctor wants me to get back on progesterone.
CYCLE DAY 14
Steve was supposed to be home this afternoon, but his flight got cancelled while he was at the airport. He did not end up coming back until late at night. There is a chance we missed the window.
7DPO (Days Post Ovulation)
I had a major BBT (basal body temperature) dip… I started to feel hopeful for the first time this cycle that perhaps this was the implantation dip. Basal body temperature is such a cool way to track your cycles and ovulation. It can give you a lot of insight into your cycle. I have used both paper charting and Ovia app to keep track.
The cycle finished out with me being irritable, weepy, impatient, and roller coaster of emotions. And ultimately, we are not pregnant.
Did I mention we got a puppy in January?! I blame the hormone fluctuations for my rash decision making here. 21 month old and a puppy. Quite the combo.
KEY WORDS: secondary infertility, IUI, timed intercourse, trigger shot, ovidrel, intrauterine insemination, unexplained secondary infertility, infertility, progesterone, clomid, letrozole, follicular scan, acupuncture, acupuncture for fertility, follicles, pregnancy test
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